#i haven't seen the movie yet but i'm thrilled to hear they match each others freak

[softestaries]

ryan reynalds has been single-handedly sailing the poolverine ship like jack sparrow trapped in the locker for years. this is his win. chase your dreams people bc they might just end up in a Honda Odyssey

[weaselsblaugh]

The Castlevania series in one sentence each - remastered chronicles requiem edition

Castlevania: Go kill Dracula and every single Universal Studios movie monster.

Castlevania [C64]: Playing "Vampire Killer" through a SID chip doesn't _always_ make it cooler.

Castlevania [Amiga]: You'll be fighting the control scheme more than you'll be fighting Dracula.

Castlevania [MSDOS]: Simon attains a skin tone more commonly associated with department store mannequins.

Vampire Killer: Go kill Dracula, if you don't get lost first.

Vampire Killer, take 2: Go kill Dracula's portrait painting.

Haunted Castle: Go kill Dracula, now with only one life and no continues.

Simon's Quest: Resurrect Dracula from spare parts just so you can kill him again.

The Adventure: Go kill Dracula, really slowly, because otherwise this blurry screen can't keep up with you.

Dracula's Curse: Two hundred years ago your ancestor looked exactly like you.

Dracula's Curse, take 2: Go kill Dracula with the Power of Friendship!* (Void where prohibited, party size not to exceed two members.)

Dracula's Curse, take 3: Go kill Dracula with the help of his rebellious son, a mage, or a landlocked pirate that climbs ceilings.

Belmont's Revenge: Your son was supposed to kill Dracula, but Dracula nabbed and brainwashed him, so it's all up to you again, because vampire hunter parenting is hard.

Castlevania 4: Go kill Dracula from any of eight directions you like, or waste all your time twiddling the whip around because it's fun.

Dracula X: Go kill Dracula in the most anime way you possibly can, at age 13, with all your cute animal friends.

Dracula X, take 2: Go kill Dracula with this key! (What do you mean it doesn't do anything?)

Dracula X, take 3: Castlevania's Greatest Hits album.

Peke: Go buy a Super CD-ROM² system card, _then_ we can talk about killing Dracula.

Peke [PS4]: Your favorite cheat code doesn't work.

X68000: Castlevania's other Greatest Hits album.

X68000, take 2: Is "bathead" supposed to be a pun on butthead?

Bloodlines: Go kill Gary Oldman's character from the hit Hollywood film, Bram Stoker's Dracula.

Dracula X [SNES]: The fire is prettier and the music is nicer but killing Dracula is way harder than it usually is this time.

Dracula X [SNES], take 2: Wait, haven't I seen this level before?

Castlevania 64: Go kill Dracula, assuming you're facing in the right direction first.

Castlevania 64, take 2: Go kill Dracula, provided you aren't hypnotized by the beautiful violin music on the title screen.

Symphony of the Night: Go kill Belmont...?

Symphony of the Night [true ending]: ˙ɐlnɔɐɹp llᴉʞ oפ

Symphony of the Night [Saturn]: Go kill Dracula and also the frame rate and any semblance of difficulty balance this game ever had.

Legacy of Darkness: The closest thing we'll get to a video game adaptation of Teen Wolf.

Legends: Go kill Dracula, but first, reproduce with his son, in what's arguably a way cooler origin story than Lament gave us (until Sonia got stricken from canon).

Resurrection: Sonia Belmont could have been in another game if only this one hadn't been cancelled.

Circle of the Moon: Go kill Dracula, provided you're able to see what you're doing and aren't tired of hearing The Sinking Old Sanctuary by the time you get there.

Harmony of Dissonance: Dracula's castle is stricken with a dissociative identity, or something, so go kill Dracula's WIP body (but not before you've finished decorating his guest bedroom for no particular reason...?).

Order of Shadows: Go kill Dracula and probably also your cell phone bill.

Aria of Sorrow: Go kill Dracula...wait, Dracula's already dead? Wait, this guy might be Dracula reborn? Wait, *I'M* Dracula?

Lament of Innocence: The Belmont Clan origin story gets totally retconned as Leon must go kill some vampire that isn't Dracula, since Dracula hasn't been born yet. (So what's he still doing here anyway?)

Lament of Innocence, take 2: Belmont May Cry (and probably does).

Dawn of Sorrow: Go kill these two jokers who think they're Dracula but can't possibly be because you're still Dracula, while the Belmont du jour keeps insisting that you Go Home and Be a Family Man.

Curse of Darkness: What was Lament missing? That's right: a furniture collecting sub quest and a pet raising metagame.

Portrait of Ruin: Dracula comes back because World War 2 was really sad. (Yes, really.)

Portrait of Ruin, take 2: Castlevania: the thrilling two on two on two tag team match, only on pay per view!

Portrait of Ruin, take 3: We make an attempt to reconcile Bloodlines into the canon by turning the bishounen Spaniard into a ghost cowboy and injecting a heaping helping of anime teen angst.

Portrait of Ruin, take 4: The Whip only works if you spend a couple minutes flinging custard pies at the ghost of Richter Belmont.

Portrait of Ruin, take 5: He's not Dracula but he's still a vampire, so please go whip the crap out of him with the help of your schoolgirl friend who slaps skeletons with books and sometimes turns you into a frog.

Dracula X Chronicles: Go kill Dracula, and in a twist exclusive to the remake, your girlfriend who is now a succubus.

Order of Ecclesia: We're supposed to kill Dracula with these fancy spells, but the only other guy here stole all of them and kidnapped the entire nearby village, so go beat him up and take them back so we can resurrect--I mean, KILL Dracula. It'll work, trust me!

Order of Ecclesia, take 2: go kill Dracula, but first, make the jeweler fall in love with you and take a picture of Bigfoot.

Judgment: Our timeline has so many holes and retcons in it that the only way to solve it is to have Death's brother Time show up and make everyone fight each other, which doesn't solve anything, but somebody had fun with it, I'm sure. (Probably only the artist.)

The Adventure Rebirth: The Castlevania game that nobody can buy anymore because it's marooned to an online service that closed down.

Lords of Shadow: Because Castlevania really needed to be more like...what was the big popular grim dark fantasy thing back then?

Harmony of Despair: Because clearly everybody's favorite part of SOTN was spending literal hours grinding for Crissaegrim, only now they can do it with friends.

Mirror of Fate: Go kill Dracula with crippling frame rate issues and falling damage.

Castlevania Puzzle: What do Castlevania fans want the most? Puyo Puyo, of course.

Lords of Shadow 2: Take me down to the Castlevania City, where the grass ain't green and the story ain't pretty.

The Arcade: It's like House of the Dead with whips.

The Pachislot: Wherein Konami refocused their efforts to appeal the franchise to only their most dedicated and loyal fans... Japanese gamblers.

The Netflix Original Series: Trevor is a foul mouthed drunk, there are frequent references to goat fucking, and somehow it's still better than the franchise has been for just shy of a decade.

Grimoire of Souls: What do Castlevania fans want the most? Fate Grand Order, of course.